Birthday Wishes

Guess what? Today is my Birthday! On this day, exactly 20 years ago, the wonderful being that is me came into existence. I should be ecstatic! Electrified! Floored! I have survived for 20 years! Some aren't lucky enough to say that. Even in this day and age, many die premature deaths from illness, abuse, and hate. I feel blessed to have made it this far, to have seen and experienced so much in such a short time. And while I'm happy I made it another year, another rotation around this Earth, I'm just not as excited about it as I used to be. There are a lot of things I regret, which I shouldn't. Too many "what if's" still floating about my head. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I've wasted my life away, if I'm still wasting this precious time. If it were all to end today, would I be satisfied with what I amounted to? I feel like I lived the first 17 years of my life in isolation. I separated myself from society and normal relationships because of low self esteem and a disregard for my own being. If I think about it, I'm not sure I was even living. Just drifting through the days, if that makes sense.

Then I met Sam. Then I had a real, solid, with you till the end of it all friend. Not like those come & go floozy's I was used to. You know the type: got your back one minute, stabbing it the next. I could tell something was different this time, this was real. Our relationship was strong, our bonds deep. We talked about everything! In fact, we still do. Our first kiss was sloppy, uncomfortable, & intrusive; but it was perfect. When Sam asked me out, I fought it. It would ruin our friendship, I said. Really, I was just afraid of getting close to anyone. An absent father and an adopted father who committed suicide left deep seated abandonment issues which I still suffer with to this day. But Sam was persistent, and soon enough, I caved. We'll just try it, I said. It's not a promise or anything. I sealed the deal with an awkward kiss on the cheek.

After that, all pretense flew out the window. We never really "dated". We were always together, as we had been as friends, so where I went Sam went, & vice-versa. We became sexually active almost right away, despite the fact that we were both still subconscious about our bodies. I was overweight, Sam was a closeted FTM Transgendered person, masquerading as "Lesbian". Despite how open we were, and how much we always talked about the future, we didn't discuss the FTM factor for a while. I always just assumed she was Lesbian. Neither of us knew there was even a name for it.

I was scared, hearing the word surgery. We didn't have any facts, and hearing that one word by itself was enough to put real fear in me. Sam said she didn't know if she even wanted to do it. I know now that was a lie. But back then, I felt relieved to hear those words. I gently persuaded against it. Surgery was scary, and I loved my baby the way she was: whole, alive, unmarred by the blade of a scalpel. I didn't understand at the time what it really meant. Sometimes I still can't understand, even though I try. The topic didn't come up again for some time. We were both repressing it I guess. I thought it was settled, and Sam was in denial about just how badly she needed to be Male. It was only a few months ago, maybe half a year or more, that I got "the Talk". Sam came out of the stupor she was in and decided this was something she needed to do. With or without you, she said. That was a wake up call. This time, we had facts, we had information, and I felt more secure. I agreed to support her. Gender wasn't an issue, as I was really more attracted to men anyways. If it's with the person I love, I can do this, I thought. Some days I still wonder, but all I have to do is look at Sam to know, we'll make it through this ordeal.

This gender thing. It's complicated. I want to call Sam my BF. Refer to her as He, Him, etc. Sometimes I do, in private. It's complicated and frustrating because we're living with Sam's parents. We lost our jobs, & thus apartment, after a bad car accident roughly 1 year ago. We're still waiting on the settlement so we can get the hell out of dodge. But let's get back to the parents: Sam's mother is religious and unwavering; Her father, in denial, I'm sure. I can't call Sam my BF, can't refer to her as He, not around them. Especially when her mother is calling us the GIRLS all the time, & referring my baby as SAMANTHA, with that especially strong emphasis she likes to use to back up her claim. Not when every other day we have to get a private talk about how we're going against God, burning bridges with family, and in general causing pain to everyone we love. My family doesn't have a problem with it. They never even had a fit when we came out as supposed "Lesbians". I told my mother about Sam being Trans. I told her we're going to get married, and I asked if she'd be there. She just shrugged and said, I guess you have to do what's right for you. I'm glad Sam isn't afraid to make that decision. I'll be at your wedding. You'd be surprised, a lot of us will. That's the support, the love and acceptance we really need. Hell, I'd be happy if Sam's mom stopped giving us the God lecture and trying to persuade us with her crocodile tears.

Today is March 14th; My birthday. And while I'm happy, (in that docile, come what may kind of way) I'm not ecstatic, I'm not electrified, & I'm certainly not floored. But writing this now, I realize I don't regret my life, or the choices I made, in any way. I didn't have that fairy tale relationship, that perfect prom (I never even went), and an adolescence filled with partying and friends. But somehow, I wouldn't change any of it for the world. If I had one wish, that wish wouldn't be to alter the past, but to mold the future. So today, on my birthday, as I blow out those candles or rip open my presents I'll be wishing just this: That I have a long, happy life with the person I love. And that if I ever start regretting my decisions again, I'm instantly reminded of just how blessed I truly am.

Sam is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

So... Can I unwrap my gift yet?